Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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