i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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