Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
