well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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