Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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