I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
