tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
