I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
