those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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