I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Only a mothe r could love this liver
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
