If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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