The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is it because I queefed?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
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you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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