paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
We just shotgunned beers for America
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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