he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
