Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
