I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
