There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
