dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
