I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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