can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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