It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
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The police scanner is talking about you again....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
i need some magic done to my vagina
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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