Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
well, you know. whores of a feather.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
