thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
