I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
