please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
