If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
