I'll bet she douches with gravy.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize