She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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