Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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