Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
