i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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