I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
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i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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