I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
