Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
His nipple licking is glorious
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