i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
