so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
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I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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