I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
