Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you didnt know i had herpes?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
