at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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