So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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