Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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