This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
