I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
