so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
