I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
