Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
