I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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