Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
