I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
