I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
