Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
