Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
