What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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