no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
