Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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