Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Enjoy the penises
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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