the condom got lost in my hair
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
